That is the struggle. It is the struggle to die to the false self. But this struggle is far, far beyond our own strength. Anyone who wants to fight his demons with his own weapons is a fool…

…The encounter with Christ does not take place before, after or beyond the struggle with our false self and its demons. No, it is precisely in the midst of this struggle that our Lord comes to us and says, as he said to the old man in the story:  “As soon as you turned to me again, you see I was beside you.”

-Henri Nouwen, The Way of the Heart

I picked up this book recently, after having it on my To Be Read list forever and a day. I couldn’t even remember who recommended it or why I thought it would spark something in me.

And if I had read it when I first heard of it, would it have the same impact it’s having now? Because it’s definitely having an effect.

He is beside me, whether I cry out or not. He waits for me to drop my ridiculous attempts at fighting off both the depression and his cure for me. He waits while I am working myself silly, fighting like a child and not the warrior I am.

Wednesday night, during our small group exercises at church, we were asked to share the burden of our heart. I shared a little about this depression, how I’m managing, waiting for His freedom and healing to come permanently. Maybe I am waiting for the wrong thing. Maybe what I should be not only waiting for, but helping to hasten, is the day I just accept that this is my thorn in the flesh. If what I desire more than anything is my encounters with Christ, maybe I should stop trying so hard to get to the place where I don’t need him?

Food for thought.