This is a week of change in my household. The public schoolers got to ease back into their week through a series of delayed starts and early releases. Fourthborn returned to preschool, which hit her like a ton of unpleasant bricks. I headed back to my first five day work week in what seems like ages, and we are all motivated but sluggish. So the week is both kicking my hindquarters AND dragging on forever. On the home front, Hubs had a week of self-discovery: He discovered that he is, in fact, capable of home repairs he previously felt incompetent to do. He also discovered that his tolerance for kitchen laziness has it’s limits. Who knew?

I’ve had a few self-discoveries of my own. Actually, I should say that I’ve postulated a few new theories about myself and am waiting to see if they are confirmed by consistency. Some of them are downright silly, almost borderline “mind game” rather than self-reflection, like the theory that decaf won’t actually kill me. Or, related to that, there is no jewel for our crowns awarded for being able to tolerate the largest doses of caffeine. So I can stop trying to have the largest, most sparkly rock awarded. Truly.

But others are deeper. Like the theory that I’m so accustomed to my stress levels that I have to retrain myself how to relax. Or, my inability to admit my maximum workload must stem from the fear of abandonment/rejection I live with most of the time. If I can handle anything and everything life throws at me…well you can probably imagine the rest. Oh and how about starving my martyrdom syndrome? Is that even possible? And if I succeed, will my physical body drop a few pounds as well?

I’m postulating that the answer is yes. Baggage is heavy. I worked so hard at the gruntwork of unpacking and dealing with most of it during my recovery that I might have overlooked that OTHER trunk in the OTHER corner of my head and heart that was filling up with current life-stuff. The same way the dishes get out of hand on laundry day.

The good part is that I don’t have to figure this all out today, or even on my own. Sometimes when I feel like my personal brand of “crazy” is overwhelmingly deep and wide, I have to remind myself that I have Someone who knows me that deeply. He formed me in my mothers womb, he knows the number of hairs on my head, he knows my thoughts before I even think them, he sees them from “afar off” as the Word says.

So, while I might feel “afar off” from myself lately, I don’t particularly feel lost. I’m ok with he and I taking some time together to go over some things. I’m not fond of change, and he knows this better than most…but I am fond of trusting him to show me what needs to be changed, in what priority, and by what avenue. Experience tells me it could get ugly and difficult. But it also tells me there are exciting days ahead. Days of wonder. Days of him showing his strength and my weakness. Days of awe at the work of his hands.