How inadequate are the words to give thanks to God.

When I consider what He has done for me alone, I am struck dumb in awe. Like the Psalmist wrote…what is  man that you are mindful of him? the son of man that you care for him? Who is Jen, that you would love her so very much?

Words seem pointless in these seasons when we are reminded to slow down enough to use them. I am grateful, dear Lord, so completely grateful for oh so much…but even in praying that it feels like I am just scratching the surface.

But then I think, it’s not the WORDS that He examines. It’s the heart. The good thing about saying thank you to God (as opposed to others) is that we can do it with more than words–we can even do it absent of the limitation of our languages.

We can sing it, paint it, play it, carve it…we can work out our thanksgiving in a thousand meaningful ways. The heart, when overflowing with gratitude has a tendency to inspire actions that are direct responses to that feeling. I am grateful to him for his provision, so I help provide for others in need. I am so grateful for his deliverance, so I pray for the deliverance of those I know who are also bound…

But there’s a new level to my thanks this year. A level I cannot relate through words, though I sit here and try. A level that can only be communicated spirit to Spirit, from my heart to God’s ears. And  not only am I overwhelmed by the actual feeling of that gratitude, I am laid low to think that I have been given the pleasure of reaching it in the first place.

Eirene,

Jen

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 12SC.COM!!!

Two years ago this very morning, I sat down and wrote about how I wanted to lose the mask.

Last year, around this time, I was exercising my painting muscles.

Yesterday, I spent some time going over the past two years in posts. Wow, sometimes God blows my mind through what has been written here. There are other times, however…well…I won’t blame those posts on God at all. And neither should you.

If you’ve heard it here once, you’ve heard it a thousand times…Dunamis (power), Eirene (peace), and the maddening friction of human nature against the divine Spirit. I’ve tried to be as real and transparent as I can possibly be. I’ve tried to keep the nitty gritty of living a life that follows hard after Christ just that: nitty gritty. We have enough polished to perfection religiousness in the world, the way I see it. And the deeper I go into this relationship, the more aware I am of what I really am without him. The more aware of what He can do with this mess that is me.

But what can He do with this mess that is my blog?

This is where I’ve been hung up for a while now.

Actually that statement is not exactly true. I’ve been hung up on what I want this blog to be. Is it a ministry? Is it a brand? Do I have purpose or am I just another noisemaker in a cyberspace full of nonsense? All this wondering and pondering and stuttering and stumbling over what this site IS, and I’m not sure I ever stopped to really ask…

What does He want with it?

So maybe I’m just now asking the right question. What do you want with this space, Lord? How is it that you have kept this thing going when I have put so little into it at times? More importantly…

Where are we heading next?

time for Thanksgiving
measures of my gratitude
go way off the charts

why would I add noise
to the song of thankful praise
by being careless?

the right words, right time
speak them in love, in kindness
add the harmony

I’d rather remain
muted than muddy that song
with my discontent

much to be grateful
oh so much to thank him for
where to even start?

Whenever I find myself in my pit, I always seem to cry out to God, “Where are you? What’s going on around here?”

Then I’ll sit back and wait for a response. Most times, if I am truly in that pit again, I feel nothing. There is a silence in my spirit that I can’t describe. God “seems” to have vanished. And this, my friends, is alarming …

It’s also dead wrong.

I don’t know what it is about the bottom of my pit that causes me a great deal of spiritual amnesia. It’s as if I’ve never known or experienced the strong arm of God lifting me out! And hey, when totally forgetting all about his grace and mercy aren’t enough to be concerned about…there’s also the anger. Because I know I’ve been here before and I’m not supposed to be here again! Not now, not ever, but look, here I am!! Again!?!? What’s up with that, God?

Pit dwellers the world over know that feeling. That’s a sad, sick combination of desperate, hurting, needy, hopeless, angry, confused and frustrated.

There is a phrase in the Word of God that describes this status of the soul: Crushed in Spirit.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
-Psalm 34:18

See where I get it wrong? I think I’m in the bottom of a pit that he cannot see. I think my cries are echoing on the chiseled walls of said pit rather than piercing straight through the heart of God. I think he’s silent, stoic, distant…whatever it is that is the opposite of what I need him to be right now.

But the word says he’s close. It says that he is near to the brokenhearted. The crushed, bruised, broken have found kinship with him. I spend so much energy and effort seeking him in the far off places from me, not realizing he’s so close I can feel the breath of his Spirit, if I’d just take a minute to chillax and be still.

In my prayers I’ve asked so many times to always remember these lessons. I think that if I can always remember them, I’d be able to stay out of the pit. I suspect that forgetting them sends me careening toward the edge more often than I would if I could keep my head about me. It’s a constant source of disappointment in myself that I have to relearn and relearn and relearn…and I think I mistakenly attribute some of that disappointment to God’s feeling on the matter, too. But it’s an East to West thing (another lesson I’ve learned before).

Eirene,

Jen

Wow, guess what?

Holidays. Right around the corner. PEEKING AT YOU AND I EXPECTANTLY.

I know that the first thing you thought of when reading that statement is what on earth you were going to get me for Christmas! I’m so very intuitive and whatnot. Never fear…I have a list. YOU HAVE OPTIONS! How much cooler does that make me? So, so much cooler. So without further fanfare, here, in a very brief linky format is a list of possible gifts you can give me. Because I know you are ALL just DYING to give me, the most random and uncommitted blogger on the planet, a gift this year. Right? RIGHT?? Oh come on!

• Because my son loves to play soccer, my oldest daughter is an artist in training and my next oldest daughter is one rocking percussionist: Give the gift of sports, music and art instruction here.
• Because my youngest will be starting Kindergarten next year: Give the gift of a new kindergarten building (or two!) to Vietnamese children here. (bonus: play the “dress the worship leader game” in the process–he has pants now!)
• Because I am broken, bruised, and beaten down…yet a new creature in Christ: Give to To Write Love On Her Arms on TWLOHA day (TODAY!). (or scroll down on this page for a paypal donation link)
• Because the biggest emergencies I’ve faced this year were resolved within a week at most: Gift to emergency disaster relief funds at World Vision, or Compassion. Or if you prefer a more local approach, how about God’s Pit Crew?
• Because fruit is one of my favorite snacks: Give some trees!
• Because I don’t have to own a food producing animal to have income: Give a goat, chicken or you know…an alpaca.

So each and every reader of mine…I totally expect these gifts under my tree (or in my inbox, as it were) this year. Otherwise, I might be forced to withhold the haiku even more than I already do! (Best blog strategy ever: threaten your readers! LOL)

Eirene,

Jen