I have so much floating around my head right now, and so little time. Alas, poor reader (all 3 of you faithful ones!) you are gonna get the exact opposite of polish and style today. Instead I offer to you the “Jen Brain Dump” in convenient bite sized paragraphs:

Went to hear Shane Claiborne speak at VT last night. Two things were new to me–Quaker worship in silence and the revelation that being disturbed in the best possible way, for me at least, is a temporary thing. That all that disturbance of my comfort zone is so transitive (but GOOD and WELCOMED) that it rarely is around long enough to effect broad sweeping radical changes. My heart being so tainted as to even deny my slow steady slide back to “my pew” (aka: Where Jen is challenged more to ponder her beliefs rather that LIVE them). So my biggest takeaway (besides my first experience at Quakerism– the loudest silence I’ve ever heard) is the question–HOW do I keep myself raw in the sense that I give myself time to pray through and put into practice the radical changes that I am inspired toward.

I’m also connecting that in a powerful way to my readings today in Genesis. How Sarai and Abram tried to create through natural means (Hagar) what God wanted to do supernaturally through Sarai. In hindsight, it’s easy to see this as a glaring failure. A giant “What were they thinking!!” along the lines of the lies they told the Egyptians about Sarai being Abram’s sister. But the truth of the matter is we all have been there. I am there even now, trying to birth something in my life that only God can. In fact, that was the wisdom my darling husband gave me last night as I wrestled with what my heart was telling me (reactions to Shane’s sermon) to what I see every day in my life. Let God birth it. Let GOD do it.

I spend eight or more hours a day pursuing something that I can’t reconcile to my greater calling. The closest thing I can do is say that I am desperate to perform my work as unto the Lord. But I can’t help but have a nagging little twinge that maybe my offering is not quite what God is asking me to offer. That I am taking the easy way out like Cain (only without the murder– on most days even the thought doesn’t cross my mind! ha!) There is a giant puzzle piece of revelation ahead for me. I’m excited, afraid, impatient yet unwilling to move at this point. I go back to what I wrote yesterday–He is my exceedingly great reward. Not my work, not the fruit of my hands and/or heart–just His presence. Is that enough for me to be prepared for that puzzle piece? How hard do I press in before I’m doing the birthing thing on my own again?

So there, it is. I wish I had more time. I wish I had actual conversations with you so that these thought processes could be nurtured and grown. I wish…I wish…I wish…

Eirene,

Jen

Thank God Almighty I have finally finished reading through the book of Job. I’m not going to sit here and proclaim that I learned every lesson I possibly could from that Word. But the good Lord knows that I gave it some serious thought and prayer. Someday, in my future, God may have me come back to this book and do some more in-depth study…but in the same way I know I’m not called to serve the Lord in the middle of Pakistan right now, I know He’s not asking me to dig any deeper into Job at present.

What I did learn, I will try hard to practically apply to my life: pain messes up my theology. Canned religious expressions aren’t good salve for sorrow(mine or others). Sometimes there just aren’t words. At other times, my words get in His way. And He is not beholden to me to answer any of my questions about the suffering I or my loved ones go through–but I also don’t need those answers to have the kind of faith He rewards. Good stuff, worthy of more posting, but it’s not going to happen right now.

So, I am back to Genesis. Abram’s story to be exact.

If you’ve grown up in Sunday School, you know the words God spoke to Abram. “I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you.”  “Lift up your eyes from where you are and look north and south, east and west. All the land that you see I will give you…”

We know that. We know that Abram believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness.

But new to me was this verse:

“Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.” (Gen 15:1)

Why did Abram need to be told not to fear? Not to be terrified? Why did he need a reminder that God was his protection, his shield? Why did God need to say that He was Abram’s “very great reward.” Literally, that means up to abundance, to a great degree—an exceeding…even with mighty force…reward.

Could it be that Abram was surrounded by terrifying people? God’s promise to overcome them on Abram’s behalf–did that seem overwhelming? Did it stir up images of warring for the land (anxiety that Abram didn’t need to entertain considering he just finished a war, and we now know that there was a generational gap before his descendants fought to obtain the promised land)? Did Abram feel like the weight of the promise of God rested on his own shoulders? Did he feel dread that his part of the covenant was his own obedience, which, while commendable was not perfect in any stretch of the imagination?

Are all of those things worth a mighty force of reward?

I can easily make the jump from Abram to Jen.

What He promises me seems just as out of place in my world as it must have been for Abram. I look around at the “people and the lands” and wonder why He would choose me. And I’m anxious about my performance. My obedience has a worse streak than Abrams – BY FAR – and in my own mind I can’t imagine being able to carry out His call without some humiliation, without some failure, without some false starts and stumbling.

Do not be afraid, Jen. I am your shield, your very great reward.

He is my shield and my mighty abundance of reward. Am I going to believe that?

Are you?

Mary over at A Room of Mama’s own posted this meme called “What I’m About.”

And now, I’m going to totally rip her off. Because imitation is the highest form of flattery! Not because I’m coming up blank when I am thinking of good blog topics! No, not me, I’m full of great ideas!

So with that, in no particular order of importance, I’m all about:

• Eirene
• Discipline in my quiet times…structure to what I am reading and what I am praying.
• Learning to give myself the Grace I’ve already received. (And what I am also learning is that giving myself that grace is teaching me to extend it to others more easily. You know that saying “you can’t love others well until you have a healthy love for yourself?” Same with grace. What a revelation!)
• Having a good time while I work. I’ve mentioned it before–we are going through some changes that are leaving us a little worn out and stressed. No sense in coming in with gloom and doom ‘tude on top of all that.
• Leaving work at work. I fail at this a lot lately (see above) BUT I am still all about it.
• SLEEP (in whatever amounts I can get it). And bedtime rituals.
• The way the sky has looked the past couple of days. Deep blue with the puffy white clouds that I love so much.
• “Whatever” with my internal follow up– God will take care of this.
• Excited greetings when I get home. Puppy outside front door, Fourthborn inside!
• Right now, I’m also all about changing the way I eat. Seriously, ridiculously, out of my mind excited about the progress I’m making, how good I feel and how much weight I’ve lost so far. I am only making baby steps toward becoming as active as I’d like, but that’s the direction I’ll eventually head.
• Family time–whether just the ones living under the same roof or whether we call in reinforcements from Aunts, Grandma’s and Uncles. If I’m going to work as hard as I have been lately…I’m surely going to enjoy the time I get with my peeps.
• Ditto for friends–even if it’s in “intention” stages, or only through electronic communications. I still love them like crazy and think about and pray for them always.

So what are you about these days? Comment here and let me know–I might want to adopt more to my list!

There seems to be an irony I can’t put my finger on for a depressed person to be reading the book of Job.  But here I am, in Job 16…dutifully checking off each day of my mid-year resolution to read through the entire Bible in chronological order.

If nothing else, it’s a good exercise in seeing my own struggles in a different light, even though it leaves me with more questions. Some of Job’s expressions of pain have hit very close to home. Some of his confused theology has convicted me of my very own theological mistakes. The words of so-called comfort given by his friends have shown me where my own lack of compassion at times has hurt rather than soothed a person in pain.

So, this book is a challenge to me, and for that I am thankful.

Some of the situations that I’ve been working through seem to be drawing closer to resolution. As this happens, I am either relieved (most cases) or uncovering new bits and pieces to resolve. For the former, I thank God that I made it. For the latter–well let’s just say that He has still has some work to do in me. What annoys me about myself in these more challenging areas is how hard it is for me to trust Him–EVEN THOUGH ALL THESE OTHER EXAMPLES OF HIS FAITHFULNESS are all around me. As if I haven’t already learned these lessons!

Obviously, I’m still trying to learn how to give myself some grace.

And as long as I desire a teachable spirit, I believe He’ll come through with that lesson. Don’t you?

Eirene,

Jen

Yesterday was the day of animals appearing in unexpected places: a rooster that was pecking away at the gravel on the side of the road on my way home from work. Where did he come from?There wasn’t a farm in sight. Or, for that matter someone’s back yard! And couldn’t he find a better place to eat? I was worried for the poor fella, considering his proximity to speeding vehicles and his inability to really fly away.

Then later, on our way to the grocery store, a baby black bear ran across the road in front of us. At first I was all, “Awwww how cute!!!” And that lasted the entire time we watched him scoot across the road and through field next to it. And even now, remembering his little lumbering run brings a smile to my face. But there was part of me that was all about the fear…where was his momma? We were maybe 1.5 miles from home, so totally legitimate concern right?

My subconscious got them mixed up though. I dreamed of a horrifying run-in during a dog walk with a huge rooster (with the momma bear attitude) protecting his baby bear.

This is why I laugh at myself a lot.