Today I return to my doctor’s office, hopefully to be told what a fantastic patient I’ve been and that they fully expect me to be 100% sooner than anyone else who’s undergone this type of surgery.

You know you are a little out of balance when you eagerly await an event as benign as a doctor’s checkup because you are pretty sure it will provide a wisp of positive feedback to carry you through the day. Even worse, that you feel competitive in your recovery. But, quite frankly, I’ll take anyone’s approval these days. I’ve been craving approval for years, can trace it back to events in my childhood that left me marked. And I’ve done a ton of emotional grunt-work to overcome that desire for other people’s approval and replace it with a heartfelt commitment to seek His approval above all else.

But lately, my focus has been off. I am having a dickens of a time getting out of bed in the morning to have my quiet time. I’ve fallen off my caffeine-free wagon. I’ve vegetated in front of too many DVDs and have had to force myself to finish books that I would’ve absorbed eagerly a year ago. I’ve let some responsibilities slide at work.  I can give myself *some* grace, given my recent circumstances, but still. I’m desperate to get back into my groove (so to speak).

Like I said, focus is off.  Routines are banged up and bruised (like my knee!). Esteem is taking a hit. Ability to keep every plate spinning is faltering….

Then I read this:

“The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word.” (Hebrews 1:3)

Or in Jen-looked-up-the-Greek paraphrase:

The Son is the exact, precise replication of the substantial nature of God, and he bears upward all things by the power residing in Him by virtue of his very nature.

I’ve got to stop looking around and start looking up. I’ve got to stop expecting anyone other than God to be able to give me a clear view of what He wants for me, or the approval I desire. I’ve got to stop looking for substance, acceptance, approval in anyone other than the One who holds the only power that will bear me upward.

Even though I’ve learned these lessons over and over again, I still find myself slipping.

Thankfully, my God is a the God of getting up, dusting off, and walking on…

Eirene

Jen

For the first time in several weeks, I’ll be driving myself around town and ambulating without assistance. Independence never felt so good.

I made about 3/4 through my day yesterday without incident, but then suddenly hit a brick wall in the energy department. I imagine that today will be better, but I am still going to be very careful about monitoring my pace…maybe even taking off a little early again so that I can get home before I crash for good.

Without the extra “appendages” though, I expect I’ll feel lighter and more agile. I imagine my stride will be less like the hulking Frankenstein and more like an age-stiffened mummy.

Not sure why I’m using that imagery, but moving on…

Once the pup realized I was up and moving on my own she greeted me much like this:

I guess I’m not the only one who craves the routine I have in the morning.

Wow, I’ve been out of it.

So, for those who haven’t been made aware, my surgery went well and I am on the mend. If, by “on the mend” I really mean I have a ways to go before I’m headlining Dancing with the Stars. Actually, that was a horrible metaphor because even if I was in tip-top shape, I wouldn’t headline that show based on costume selections alone. And also, I rarely dance. And also, when I do dance, it’s more like…well…nevermind. Moving on!

If I had a point to that last paragraph is was probably that my knee injury was a little more serious than I had thought, and that full recovery might take a little longer than I had planned. To wit: there is a definite size difference between my two thigh muscles: left one is strong and powerful! Right one looks like my grandmother’s after years of couch-napping atrophy set in. Left knee is bony and weird looking (which is actually the norm and therefore comforting), right knee is a mishapen swollen mass of bruises and black stitching. Not a lot of stitches, mind you…but they are definitely not the quietly fade away into nothing variety. Oh no, these stitches want to be seen!

I can bear a little weight on that knee. A little. Like maybe shifting about 25% of my girth to that side while standing perfectly still. A long way to go before I’m back doing Wii balance games.

But if my physical recovery is going to take longer than expected, perhaps I should clear the cobwebs of the old mind and start using the noggin again?

What kind of things do you guys do to get your brain in gear again? I’m open for suggestions…so far I’ve tried: reading a book, reading blogs, reading digg.com, watching stupid movies and napping.

You can see where I might need some help.

Sorry about that folks. I had big plans of writing more over the Easter holiday but as it turns out, life got in the way.

I’ve been hobbling around because of pain in my right knee for weeks now. Last week I saw an Orthopedist who gave me several options…one of which was to have it scoped to correct it. As I was taking some time to weigh those options, and in my infinite grace, I twisted it pretty hard on Friday night.

Needless to say, I haven’t felt like writing much. I haven’t felt like being awake much, really. Sleep is the only time I seem to get some relief.

However, surgery is now scheduled for this Thursday. Prayers are very appreciated. I’m fairly sure that this is going to be a serious “no-big-deal” thing once I am through the procedure. Nothing like last year, with all the angst and anxiety.

Eirene,

Jen

Carried His own cross
to the place called Golgotha.
The place of the skull.

Not one gospel tells
of the intense suffering
in any detail.

Just that He went there
and hung between two others.
With sinners, again.

With them, and for them–
those six hours one Friday
would change the world.

With them, but for me!
Those six hours that Friday
have changed my world.