In a similar fashion to our regular nightime routine, I’ve been tucking in 2008. Washing it’s face and brushing it’s teeth and bundling it in the newer cozy pajamas. It wasn’t such a bad year after all…one I will strive to remember fondly, despite it’s many trials. Despite the fact that it feels like I just woke up with 2008 and all it’s needs and opportunities.

I’ll be diving deeper into the my most meaningful lessons of 2008 as I participate in Middle Zone Musing’s Blogapalooza later in January. Stay tuned, and be sure to check out Middle Zone for everyone else’s “What I learned from 2008″ postings starting January 5. 

But even though most of my resolutions for ’08 failed, I am so jazzed about the coming year. Everything about the fresh start and the resolutions and the getting myself organized to set and strive to reach new goals just sort of energizes me. I admit that I get a bit pumped up about the new year…

Then, especially if this past year is any example, somewhere around February the drudgery sets in. 

But this year, just like with Christmas, I want to do things a bit differently. I don’t want to resolve five hundred things to become the person I think I ought to be, work on them all for about 3-4 weeks, and then watch them fall apart and crash all over the landscape of my same old life. I typically make the same resolutions every year: drop the unhealthy eating habits, get moving, pray more, spend more quality time with my family. All of these are good and noble things. It shouldn’t take the crossing over of the calendar year for me to purpose to do these things.

So maybe this year I should just resolve to keep the priorities straight: God, family, health, service and giving to others.  Yeah. That’s pretty much what I want 2009 to be about.

Of course, until housebreaking is complete, I’m going to be a little OCD about this:

Her name is Mynda. She’s approximately 10 weeks old, a border collie/shephard mix. Here she is all wrapped up in Jake’s tail:

I hope you and your family have a load of love (puppy- or otherwise) in 2009!!

One of the biggest Mommy-guilt producers in my life has been the divorce I and my three oldest children went through ten years ago. It was rough, a long drawn out process with me at one of my least stable times and my ex-husband spiraling downward so fast I thought we’d all get sucked into the vortex. But I did the best I could, and I prayed often over the children that where I lacked God would provide.

A few days ago, my Secondborn wrote a note on my fridge whiteboard:

“I love yoouuuuuuuuuuuu!!! I am so happy with my life!!!!!!!!!!”

I don’t expect anyone to understand how that affected me, because let’s face it, I could blog until the day I die and I would never come up with the right words that encompassed the fear that I would screw them up totally with my issues, that they were doomed to suffer something because between myself and my ex we had/have a whole host of dysfunctions from which the children can choose (an ala-cart special of future therapy sessions, if you will).

But God has filled in the gaps. And as the three of them have grown every so often the gift of seeing them happy has overwhelmed me. The gift of hearing them plot their courses with steady minds and thoughtful hearts causes my heart to be crushed under the gratitude.

Sometimes though, we don’t receive the gifts we are given. We miss them outright, buzzing right by on our way to the next big thing. Or if we do stop long enough, we take them as if they hold some sort of virus…pinching them between our forefinger and thumb and holding them far from us while our heads turn. What am I supposed to do with this? WHY did they give me THAT?

What is it that makes us willing to receive one gift, but not another?

There are other gifts in my life right now that I am having a very hard time receiving. In some ways, I haven’t slowed myself, found the stillness needed to receive graciously. But also, they have arrived in forms that I did not expect. I cannot emphasize this enough, I want these gifts. I’ve prayed for them and I’ve longed for them…but I’ve also boxed God up by expecting them to be delivered in the right paper, be the right “brand.”

I admit this here, now, because it’s days away from when I celebrate the greatest gift. He didn’t come in the expected form either. There are many recipients who have trouble receiving Him. I sometimes do, still, though my heart is crying out for Him in ways words cannot express.

May we all have hearts crushed under the weight of our gratitude, for each and EVERY gift. May our expectations be that God only gives good things…no matter the packaging we (in our limited, flawed humanity) perceive. May we spend time reflecting on The Gift, and learn how to receive.

Eirene,

J

Since I’ve joined the High Callings blog network, I am spending more and more time reading and less time writing during my “quiet time.”

I put that in quotes because at this moment, mid-quiet-time, the air is punctuated with both my dog’s vocalizations for attention and my dear husband’s “soft” snoring. So many women have husbands that snore, I should not even comment on that because I hear you all saying, “I know, right?” But Jake, my dog, cracks me up. He’s just one step away from English, I swear. I hear “I want you to pet me. I want a hug. Give me some love.”

I hear that same message with my kids. The younger they are, the more loudly and rudely they clamor. Hold me! I want you! Gimme Gimme Gimme. A step older becomes, “Mom, can I do this outrageously extravagant thing that requires forthought and planning of which I’ve done none….tonight?” The youngest teen…she’s a last minute purchase queen: “I need black socks {index cards, music money, band gear} by tomorrow.” And my oldest, nearly outgrowing our home, thinking of moving away even, her quiet calls for attention still come. “Are you cooking dinner? Can you send some to me at work?”

Before anyone thinks I am complaining, I’m not. My heart is full of these children. In a few days I will begin my Christmas Staycation. I’m looking forward to it a great deal. Maybe I will have opportunity to cut down on the clamoring, spend some quality time with them all. Even the dog.

But this time is also punctuated with weirdness, misgivings, the opposite of Eirene. I don’t understand how my desire to do things differently translated into total Grinchdom about those who would continue to run the same holiday rat-race. I resent that certain parties I’m invited to come with an implicit obligation to attend. I resent that certain people on my gift giving list don’t understand or accept my desire to simplify. I resent the fact that I am on certain people’s gift giving list, and they continue to pressure me into naming what it is I’d like to receive. “I’d like to receive NOTHING. For real. I have too much stuff as it is and I really do not want to add to my stash of stuff. IF YOU MUST GIVE, GIVE TO SOMEONE WHO NEEDS IT.”

This was and will continue to be my answer.

“So, if I hand you a present on Christmas day, are you going to reject it?” (watch me slap my forehead!)

This is the type of response I get. This is why I’m all tight and pinched in the face. In fact, the immediate impression might be that I am seven shades of Christmas Tense, judging by the tight-pinchy-grinch-face I’m perfecting. Yet I’m not…not about Christmas itself. Not about how I am preparing for our family celebrations.

GAHHhh. When it comes right down to it, maybe I feel every bit as rat-raced, except I have covered it with the the electric-blanket-warmth of Sweet Baby Jesus. Aren’t I holy? Aren’t I full of Eirene? Watch me snub my nose at all the rest of humanity who haven’t decided to jump off THAT merry-go-round….

When I scrape the surface off of what motivated me to participate in the Advent Conspiracy (on a personal level) you know what I really see? Rebellion. It’s my way of rebelling against the pressure to attend office parties. It’s my way to rebel against the pressure to stick to family traditions. (Although I make no apologies for that if the family tradition is going deeper into debt for the 5th Avenue *perfect Christmas*) It’s my way to rebel against …well…I guess the things about Christmas that is kinda/sorta making us all sick. And while I think in concept this might be called a “healthy rebellion,” my execution of it feels eerily similar to other acts of rebellion I’ve executed in my lifetime. We all know how that tends to work out.

So where does that leave me? Sitting in my living room, sipping a steamy cup in the early morning, trying to pray my way back to peace, not exactly sure how to act and feel if I am not a part of the Christmas Tense crowd. It feels, in a way, eerily similar to the first months of my recovery. If I am serious about doing this differently, then I’m going to have to learn new ways, just like I did then. But now, in the middle of a new Christmas, I’m not exactly sure what form those new ways will take. And I realize that I am clamoring too, just like my kids. Only I don’t have to wait until the Staycation starts to feel His face turn toward mine. I don’t have to wait until Christmas Eve so I can crawl into His lap and listen to Him recite His story over me. I don’t have to rebel because “negative attention is better than no attention.” I have never lost His heart or His eye.

This is out of Luke, Chapter 1(Amplified Bible). 

    And you, little one, shall be called a prophet of the Most High; for you shall go on before the face of the Lord to make ready His ways,

    To bring and give the knowledge of salvation to His people in the forgiveness and remission of their sins.

    Because of and through the heart of tender mercy and loving-kindness of our God, a Light from on high will dawn upon us and visit [us]

    To shine upon and give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to direct and guide our feet in a straight line into the way of peace.

This was spoken by Zachariah over his son, John the Baptist at his circumcision. The last bit has really resonated with me over the past few days.

The heart of tender mercy of God has caused the Light from on high to dawn upon us. This is why Christ came…the tender heart of God. John’s purpose in life was to make us ready, to pronounce His coming and to help us understand salvation and remission of our sins. 

But Christ came to bring Light. That phrase, “to shine upon and give light to” literally means to become clearly known and to show oneself. Christ came so that we would know the tender heart of God. So that we would know God. Period. Because until we know God, we sit in darkness and the shadow of death. Literally, that says we are blinded and ignorant of God.

Christ also came to direct us..to “guide our feet in a straight line to the way of peace.” In the Greek that would say that we are guided on our journey to find Eirene. We are put on the straight line to the one and only path to “the tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and content with its earthly lot, of whatsoever sort that is.”

I’m sorry, but am I the only one whose heart is totally blown away by that?

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great Light; those who dwelt in the land of intense darkness and the shadow of death, upon them has the Light shined.

    You [O Lord] have multiplied the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before You like the joy in harvest, as men rejoice when they divide the spoil [of battle].

    For the yoke of [Israel's] burden, and the staff or rod for [goading] their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor, You have broken as in the day of [Gideon with] Midian.

    For every [tramping] warrior’s war boots and all his armor in the battle tumult and every garment rolled in blood shall be burned as fuel for the fire.

    For to us a Child is born, to us a Son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder, and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father [of Eternity], Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 9:2-6 (Amplified)

I rejoice before Him because I can know Him, He has shown us Himself. I rejoice before Him because the rod of my oppressor has been broken…by the Child. I have been shown the Light of His tender heart toward me, by the Son. I have been pointed on a straight line to Eirene by the Prince of Eirene.

It’s funny/odd/ironic that whenever I make a decision to do things (ie: Christmas season) differently I begin to start having major problems in other areas of my life. This week’s crisis is brought to you by my brain, which apparently doesn’t want to function any longer.

I’ve had a headache since Friday. It got bad enough Saturday morning to send me back to bed for a couple of hours. It was so ridiculous yesterday during church that I thought I was going to pass out. I would spontaneously tear up, and by the end of the service I was unsure if I would be able to stand (so I sat). I spent yet another afternoon fighting this thing with sleep and high dosages of pain relievers.

Headaches are not unusual for me. I get them fairly regularly, and in some cases even give them the power of calling them migraines. What is unusual for me this time is the associated mental processes. What started as a literal pain in my head became a full-frontal mental assault. Anxiety and confusion the biggest mental challenges. Pre-headache, I was all peace and light about my Christmas decision for example…during this particular headache I went nuts agonizing over which gifts would fit into my plan. I agonized over everything, truth be told, including the irrational dreams I had when I slept. And now, as I sit here, trying to decide if I am recovered, or is this a result of the latest dose of Ibuprofen…I cannot remember things that I should be able to recall. What is going on at work? What was that errand I thought I’d run after work today? 

I do not like to be confused. I especially do not like being forgetful AND confused. 

The enemy loves confusion. Have you noticed that? He loves to plant it all around us, hoping it will grow into weeds that choke out the light and life in which we are walking. When I first entered recovery, I felt very confused about who I was and where God was leading and who would I be after I gave up my addictions. I have been around long enough to know that was the enemy trying to keep me in a state where I would be easily influenced by him. Anxiety is the same way, for when I am anxious my thoughts are MY THOUGHTS and I am not trusting in God or remembering His thoughts toward me. 

Today, I need to go back and reclaim the promises that brought me out of confusion and into the Light. I need to reaffirm what God has told me about who I am, where He is leading me, and how it is that I am to get there. Today I need to declare myself renewed. I need to pick up the sword and start taking back what the enemy has been trying to steal from me. 

So, ridiculous Crazy-inducing headache or not, whether I am well or in need, whole or broken, whether I have or am in want, whether my body and mind are fully cooperating or I have to battle to think and speak coherently…I am fighting. Still fighting.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:1-2

The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:5b-7

As the rain and the snow 
       come down from heaven, 
       and do not return to it 
       without watering the earth 
       and making it bud and flourish, 
       so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth: 
       It will not return to me empty, 
       but will accomplish what I desire 
       and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
Isaiah 55:10-11 

Eirene,

Jen