*This post is a continuation of the (now defunct) Blogger Small Group discussion on the book of Romans. If you want to join in (please!!), just read this chapter in Romans and post your reflections on your blog (link back!) or in the comments here.

God’s perfect timing: I needed this portion of scripture today so badly. I could say that I was waiting on purpose to resume these posts on Romans, but the truth is I was taken on a little detour through the Celebrate the Call experience, a little dip into my pit and then trying to quit caffeine. But yesterday, I was reminded that this look at Romans is not over. And what timing!

Romans 8:1-17

In my last post I said something about how angry I was as I was quitting a very bad habit. Mostly that anger was directed toward myself. The very next morning I cracked open Romans 8 and I read: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…”

Now I’ve read Romans 8 several times folks. I even composed a haiku summary! But it’s amazing to me how often the Word speaks to you in a new way, a way that is different from what you understood or was blown away by before. This is why scripture is called active and alive. So when I read the first verse of Romans 8 again today, here is what I hear in my spirit:

“I do not condemn you child for your weaknesses and your addictive personality. In fact, I have already done everything that needs to be done to set you free from that.” (see verses 2-4)

So why do I keep having these problems? Why do I keep falling into the “more more more!” thinking pattern when I like something?

This is a reflection of my sinful nature. And when I live according to it (satisfying it’s desires at every whim) things like unexpected addictions will fall on me. Things like sinful patterns of behavior will take root into strongholds. BUT, the Word says that even though I experience a tug of war between my sinful nature and the Spirit of God (frequently!), I DO NOT HAVE TO BE CONTROLLED BY MY SINFUL NATURE ANY LONGER.

Verses 9-11 basically sum up why: I have the Holy Spirit working in me now. I am “in Christ” as it says. “And if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit.” He’s giving life to my mortal body now, as I am coming out of the worst part of caffeine withdrawal. He is giving life as I make other changes in how I live, work, and play. As I quit sitting on my rear all night long and get moving…As I stop scarfing down whatever my taste buds fancy and in whatever amount I want…He’s giving me the life and breath and strength to make these changes. These are superficial examples, true. But the same can be said for working out forgiveness for others, loving the unlovable, climbing back out of my pit of depression, answering the call He has placed on my life, overcoming life long hangups, overcoming tragedies, grief, despair. In fact, what is your biggest burden or problem? God gives you and I life to overcome it. Life in the Greek: to cause to live, by spiritual power to arouse and invigorate, to restore to life.

I am ready to experience that power to invigorate, aren’t you? What do we need to do?

Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Romans 8:12-17

We have an obligation to (by the Spirit) put to death the misdeeds of the body. This is one of the reasons why I take so seriously my benign bad habit (Although I didn’t really make the connection until today). By quitting caffeine I am performing my obligation to put to death the misdeeds of my flesh. For me, now, this is a huge hurdle. But soon, I’m sure, I’ll be through the worst of this and God will point me in another direction with another area of my life that He wants to see me exercise faith and good works to grow in Him. He’s done it before as He worked through layers of alcohol addiction, depression, anxiety, pain from my past, sin from my past. He’s constantly at work in me pointing out what He wants me TO SUBMIT TO HIM. And this submission satisfies the obligation to “put them to death.”

Is it easy? Not really. Our flesh wages a pretty tough war. We’ll get into that more as I continue next time with another portion of this chapter. But I promise you…even though our flesh fights a strong battle, our God has already given us victory.

Detox day 6, only on my second day with absolutely zero caffeine.

When I look over my short list of reasons I wanted to quit caffeine they included: emotional turmoil, fatigue, and physical symptoms of over-indulgence(headaches, sleeplessness etc). When I create a short list of withdrawal symptoms they include: emotional turmoil, fatigue, headaches and now apparently sleeplessness.(Unfair, sleepy and unable to sleep at the same time! Isn’t that hell?)

So if you are thinking…What’s the point? Let me just tell you I am right there with you.

But even though I have been experiencing these symptoms for days now (my limited intake was enough to cause my body to kick the whining into high gear) I have to admit that there are certain things that I have noticed that I did not expect.

I did not expect to feel quite so powerless. I know, I know, we *say* we are powerless over these things we are addicted to but do we really *mean* it? Silly me, a veteran of recovery of all stripes and I still think that I can handle this on my own. Watch the coffee freak learn her lessons…AGAIN. It would be hysterical if it weren’t so sad.

I did not expect to feel so incredibly jealous of those around me who are not going caffeine free. Jealous. Like a kid staring at someone else’s candy bag. It’s immature, and I know it. But today at a picnic, my husband sat beside me and cracked open a Mt. Dew. Then five minutes later when I sampled my daughter’s chocolate dessert (she’d abandoned it! AND I’d only taken a teeny tiny bite) he kindly reminded me that chocolate contains caffeine. AND I STOMPED OFF LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD. He has no clue that he upset me, until he reads this tomorrow…and I really don’t expect an apology or anything because I KNOW THAT I AM BEING DIFFICULT AND BRATTY. But I cannot stop it, I cannot pen up these emotional reactions any more than I can fly to the moon.

I did not expect to have the problem I am having getting into the Word. My morning time has been ruined by this latest bit. This decaffeinated lifestyle has totally thrown a monkey wrench into my routine. Beth Moore says that her two favorite sounds in the morning are the sounds of her coffee cup being filled and the pages of her Bible turning.(AMEN BETH, AMEN!!!) I ask you…HOW CAN I HAVE THIS AGAIN? Those rational souls who suggest decaf coffee…spare me. I’ve tried it. It just makes my body angry…and that withdrawal headache gets worse, I swear. Like my body is unleashing it’s revenge at me because I tried to TRICK IT. No. Hasn’t worked and the headache was even more bitter. Not only that, but I stay in some sort of sleep induced fog until somewhere around noon. So even as I brew myself a cup of delightful herbal (decaffeinated!) tea, I know that I am mentally not in the game for the type of study/prayer time to which I have grown accustomed. And of all the parts…of all the headaches and stomach issues and road rage and flair ups of temper and sleepiness and sleeplessness…out of every single horrible thing that I am going through trying to kick this “benign bad habit”…this is the one that makes me the angriest.

I didn’t expect to feel so angry toward myself. It’s a seething, vicious thing that breeds disgust. I do not like myself very much right now. I don’t like how I feel. I don’t like how I act. I don’t like how I whine and complain. I don’t like thinking crazy thoughts. I don’t like feeling distant from God.

If I hadn’t let myself get so dependent on some stupid bean, I would feel a heckuva lot closer to God right now. I would sense the graces that He is pouring out on me as I try to remain suitable for public interaction. I would sense His strength in my weaknesses. If I hadn’t given myself over to this stupid cocoction of burned seeds stewed in water (with milk and sugar!) so much and so often, I would at least hear Him say to me, Give your drama a rest child, it’ll be over soon.

I am just going by faith here, folks. I know He initiated this by dealing with me on some of my “benign bad habits.” And I know there will be an end. There will be a day, hopefully sooner rather than later, when my every waking thought is not about how cruddy I feel and how easily I could make that cruddy feeling go away with a quick trip to St.Arbucks. Since He initiated this, He will see it through. (I heard you loud and clear Pastor. Every Word.)

So I changed the title of this post from As I lay Dying. Because geesh, what is up with that? And my promise is that I will TRY…VERY VERY HARD…to just stop whining so much and maybe I will focus a little harder on Him and a lot less on my sad and lonely coffee pot. Let’s see how full He fills me before I notice.

Meeting Needs – Sharing Christ

Last Saturday our church hosted a Back to School Bash for families in our community. The intent of the event was to provide for the “back to school” needs of families in need.  It takes a lot of money to get kids back to school and our aim was to relieve that burden.  Book bags were given filled with school supplies for the upcoming year along with free haircuts and clothes from our clothing bank.  The sanctuary was turned into a carnival with games and prizes and hot dogs were served out of the rock cafe.

Isn’t this exactly what Christ did?  He met people at the place of their need.  He goes into a town, sees they are hungry and feeds the people before He even attempts to talk to them.  How can they hear if their basic needs aren’t being met?  How can they apply Jesus’ words to their lives if Jesus Himself isn’t applicable to their lives?

It was beautiful to see the Body of Christ being the Body of Christ.  It is true the saying that people don’t care about what you know until they know that you care.  And Christ CARED.  He ran to those in need and longed to meet those needs.  That’s what Saturday was all about…caring…no other agenda.

In fact, isn’t love what it’s all about?  Jesus said the entire law can be summed up by loving God and loving others.  If we keep those commands, then we keep all the others.  (Matthew 22: 37-40)  Jesus also said in John 13:35 that all men would know we were Christ’s by our love for one another.  This is our witnessing tool.  LOVE.

“Preach the gospel at all times, and if necessary, use words.”
St. Francis of Assisi

I have come to a point in my ongoing recovery where I really believe that my original issue (alcohol consumption) has finally died. I feel like I have gotten to the point where it is just a settled thing that I cannot drink anything alcoholic, ever again. There’s no getting back to the point where a social glass of wine is okie dokie, because I know, I have come to terms with the fact that one is never going to be enough. Maybe I would only have one that first time, maybe even three times. But eventually I would tip over to the “dark side” of my previous habits and consume more than I needed. More than I wanted to originally. Enough to create consequences in the areas of health, happiness, relationships etc.

My identity is now that of a non-drinker. I am certainly no longer a problem drinker but also for preventive reasons and personal preference not a social drinker, either.

But I am still very much struggling with issues in recovery. Depression and anxiety are biggies. And recently I have come to a greater revelation of my caffeine addiction. As in, it is far worse than my addiction to alcohol ever was. As in, it is aggravating every emotional and physical problem I have. In some cases it may even be causing them.

In the back of my head, I knew my consumption of caffeine was out of control. But denial is a beast, isn’t it?

I am admitting right now that I am powerless over my addiction to caffeine and my compulsion to consume it. My life, all aspects of it, is being affected and becoming unmanageable because of it. I drink more than I need. I drink more than I wanted to originally. Enough to create consequences in the areas of health, happiness, relationships etc.

To give you an idea of how much I was taking in:
2-3 cups of coffee in morning before work.
1-3 cups during work (depending on day)
At least 1 soda while at work (lately I’ve been on a Pepsi Max kick. Extra CAFFEINE!)
1-2 Soda’s or Ice Tea’s after work

Now, in our “it’s cool to be caffeinated” culture, some of you may not think that is a big deal. But I know that is entirely too much for me. That’s the part that is the most frustrating about this whole process is that I KNOW ALREADY. I know I have history of anxiety and depression. I know that stimulants aggravate glandular functions which in turn cause things like chronic fatigue, weight gain, blood sugar inconsistencies, digestive distress. I know that my already somewhat goofy heartbeat goes a little goofier. I KNOW THESE THINGS.

And that just reinforces the idea that for me, caffeine is one of those substances I need to keep far far away from me. Because even though I know how sensitive my system is to it, how much damage it is doing to me, I keep chugging it down…getting fix after fix after fix. Well, I was until mid-afternoon on Monday. Since then I have had very very little in the way of coffee/sodas.

So, I’m in the throes of detoxing. I have enlisted support at home, and support at work. But today is rough and I know the next couple of days may get rougher. I’m barely fit for being out of the house right now…suffering all sorts of physical withdrawal symptoms and about as emotionally unstable as I can be while still getting out of bed to do my thing (however roughly I accomplish it).

If you don’t hear from me for a few days, that would be why.

This post is part of a series on Mark 1:40-45. The other posts are:
Who is the Leper?
More than Skin Deep
Light a Fire

Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” He said. “Be clean!”

One of the areas of my life that I know needs to be Hapto‘d is my over-emotionalism. I tend to feel most emotions at the extreme level. I rarely feel partly happy…if I am having a good day emotionally I’m having the BEST DAY EVER. Same for the blahs. Same for anger. Same for frustration. I’m never “mildly annoyed.” Or just slightly miffed. Sadly, my husband has to deal with my all or nothing expressions of love. I’m told this is part of my particular stripe of mental illness. But I am not exactly sure how I am supposed to react to that knowledge. Ok, so it’s part of my particular brand of crazy. Now what? Do I live with it? Do I medicate myself out of it? Do I pin it to my suspenders with the rest of my flair as a warning to others? How about a tattoo on my forehead, would that help?

As a result of this over-emotionalism and the desire to gain some sort of control, I have always pictured Jesus as someone who could hold on tight through the roller coaster of human emotions. After all, He was the only perfect human so it stands to reason that He would be able to maintain His inner poise. And in the gospels, for the most part, Jesus seems to have total control over His emotions. There are only a handful of situations that I can think of off the top of my head that say otherwise: The temple-tantrum. Weeping at the tomb of his friend. And here.

The word says that Jesus was filled with compassion for this leper. That phrase, in the New American Standard says “moved with compassion.” In other words, He had that sinking, gut wrenching level of emotional response. Only instead of dread, fear, grief (the typical emotions we associate with “gut-wrenching”), He felt compassion toward this man. He felt tenderhearted mercy:

The God of the New Testament, the Father of men, is most clearly revealed as “a God full of compassion.” It extends to the whole human race, for which He effected not merely a temporal, but a spiritual and eternal, deliverance, giving up His own Son to the death of the cross in order to save us from the worst bondage of sin, with its consequences; seeking thereby to gain a new, wider people for Himself, still more devoted, more filled with and expressive of His own Spirit.
-from the NetBible Study Dictionary

It was that move of emotion that led Jesus to touch(hapto) the leper as He spoke these words: I am willing, be clean!

How willing? Thelo is the Greek word there and it means to will, to intend, to be resolved and determined. I also have to point out that it means “to love, to be fond of doing a thing.” In other words, it was Christ’s pleasure to follow through with His holy intentions and deliver this man from not only the physical illness that robbed his life, but the sin that marred it as well. This helps me understand that when I need more spirit applied to my emotions, it is His pleasure to do it. He loves that we ask for healing, and He loves that He can give it to us. In fact, it is a manifestation of His great love for us.

Does that tell you how willing He was? What if we dig further down? When you do that, you will eventually run into the word Airo which means “to elevate, lift up; To take upon one’s self and carry what has been raised up; To bear away what has been raised.”

Whoa. That gets me every time. How willing is He? So much so that He took what sickens us upon Himself. So much so that He bore every bit of that soul-funk from every man from all times. So much so that he would stretch out His hands on that cross and allow Himself to be raised up to carry off what makes us physically, emotionally, and spiritually ill.

That day, with the leper, He did it for the one, knowing full well that eventually He would come to a point in His earthly walk where He would do it with finality, for ALL. That final day came, friends, and we have been forever blessed by the ramifications of it ever since.

This speaks volumes of encouragement for me as I am struggling. Between understanding what happens at His touch, and how willing He is to act in this matter, my spirit is lifted.