Great revelations
come at unexpected times
(then I forget them)

My notebook helps me
but can’t write-drive at same time
so sometimes they’re lost…

like Friday’s haiku-
in the heart then out again
now it’s gone for good.

I’m just going to rapid fire these bullets your way…

• Coffee is delicious! Does anyone NOT know this already?
• Hubby’s surgery was a success. He’s a little sore at the incision site on his neck, and a little stiff, but the rest of the pain he dealt with for years seems to be gone. Praise the Lord and thank you ALL for your prayers.
• FourthBorn’s issues with loud noises continue. They have expanded to motorcycles and bass drums. The nanny may have helped us find a coping mechanism, but we haven’t really experienced another thunder-boomer yet to test it. Also…she’s so much like me in that she talks a GREAT game when there is no sight of what frightens her. It’s really cute hearing her say “I not afraid of tundarsturms” when there is not a cloud in the sky, remembering good and well the trembling that went on last Sunday afternoon. I’ve given her a buzz cut so at least she can’t pull more hair out (the bald spot in the back is filling in nicely now, too).
• Wednesday night was our last session of Victory Over the Darkness. We were not able to complete the entire book, which makes me sad, but I feel really good about wrapping that up the way we did. After we talked a bit about working through our emotional pain from the past I shared this story from Beth Moore’s blog. Go ahead, read it, I’ll wait… so in terms of spiritual growth, remember “you are Daddy’s work.”
• Speaking of work, I go back to work next week. *Sigh* For the first several weeks into post-op, I couldn’t get comfortable here at home. I wasn’t used to spending so much time here. And since I was limited in what I could do, I found myself restless…wanting to clean closets or tackle some huge long-ignored project. The last thing in the world I wanted to do is sit still. Well the past couple of weeks has been better. I’ve been feeling stronger and more energetic so I HAVE been pretty active around here. The kids finished school, too, so I’ve been doing things with them. All in all, I’m having a blast and can see myself keeping busy for the rest of the summer. But it’s not to be. However, I will be happy to see some of my coworkers again. I work with a pretty cool bunch of people.

FourthBorn is up, which means quiet time is over! I’m working on some recovery and forgiveness posts for the next couple of days. Until then, have a great weekend!

*This post is part of the Blogger Small Group reading the book of Romans. To read other participant posts, head over to Run’n Like a Vagabond. If you want to read my previous posts for the group, click here.

I should be giving you all my run-down on Romans 3:9-20. I should also be cleaning the bathrooms before my mother-in-law arrives. I should have balanced my checkbook, finished prepping for the Wednesday night class, and actually combed my hair today. That, of course is a very short list of all available “shoulds” hitting me right now.

Instead, I chucked my productivity in favor of a nap (Avoidant Personality Disorder at its BEST!) and splashing around in the pool with ThirdBorn-theBoy (which leads to more napping, if you are me). Oh yeah, there’s also all the logistics of getting Hubby to his surgery tomorrow. We have to show up at 5:30 AM. Could that be even MORE ridiculous? I think not!

I encourage everyone to head over to Vagabond’s for the listing of other posters. I’m sure you’ll find something meaty to chew on there…

See the mouth of that pit? Yeah, me too. Time to Gird Up. But before we do that, I want to point out a few things that don’t really help me get out of a blue-funk. If you see yourself in these descriptions, hear me out.

Denying there is a problem. Denial in any shape or form is just a colossal waste of time and invitation for continued pain. Knowing this, the only solution really is to get gut-honest about what’s going on in your mind. My poor hubby has had to listen to the “where I’m at” descriptions so many times, I doubt much surprises him anymore. Thankfully, whenever I admit to where I’m sitting (in the pit, on the edge of the pit, UNDER the pit) I usually experience some sort of breakthrough shortly after. Sometimes those breakthroughs feel like mountaintop experiences, but not always.  Often, it’s just a quiet revelation that hey, I’m not mentally freaking out any more! Cool!

Escaping or avoiding the problem. Yeah, the alcohol might be a thing of the past for me but avoidance is still a huge issue. I can escape into the television. I can avoid everything by reading a novel. I can go visiting. I can go shopping!!! These things aren’t particularly evil, some of them actually are good (reading is awesome mental exercise! Visiting family and friends reinforces relationship bonds!). But I know in my heart of hearts when I am doing this out of the motivation to avoid my issues. I can’t really think of a counter-attack for this one. The only thing to do is just admit that I am avoiding {whatever} and to muster up the fortitude to stop avoiding and face it head on. This is a lot like procrastinating in your housework. We think it’s going to take FOREVER to clean the kitchen so we don’t start. But when we finally make ourselves do it, it only takes about five minutes. Then we wonder…why do we go through such turmoil DREADING it when it’s seriously not that big of a deal?

Wallowing in the problem. Oh how we love to nurse our pain! I am the reigning queen of Wallow-ville. Take this weekend for example. I was feeling rotten emotionally–down about everything. (short list: Fourthborn’s issue with hair pulling and unnaturally intense fear of loud noises and open spaces; illnesses of those close to me and those not so close but to whom I feel spiritually connected; marriages on shakey ground; general– yet irrational– dissatisfaction with anyone carrying a Y chromosome; plans ruined; Firstborn out of town for the week; dread returning to work; yada yada…) I suddenly realized yesterday that I’d allowed myself about 2 days of this nonsense. (Which only proves to all of you that I am still WORKING on this, too) Hubby tried to help by suggesting activities we could do, which I persistantly shot down. Wallowville has a rule against fun-tivities, you see. At any rate, when I suddenly felt an intense pull to do something I used to love doing and hadn’t done in ages, I knew it was time to get off my rear and start moving. The counter to wallowing is to do something you enjoy. If you are wallowing so well that you can’t think of anything you will enjoy, do something you used to enjoy. Here’s another tip: if you do something you enjoy but is out of your regular routine…that sort of shakes things up in a good way. For example, I painted yesterday. I hadn’t tried my hand at visual art in YEARS so it was just different enough to move me out of Wallowville. (sidebar: the results weren’t horrid, but definitely indicate that I’m out of practice)

So there is my short list of what doesn’t work. I also highly recommend against saying things like “snap out of it!” to yourself. You’ll just end up more frustrated… trust me. I would recommend that you repeat “walk in what you know” instead. It’s hard to avoid recalling what you’ve learned about how to fight the battle for your mind when you are constantly telling yourself to walk in it.

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.
1 Peter 1:13

I cannot tell you what a life-saver this particular verse was for me. Ok, maybe I should say “thought saver” instead. Until I really sat on this verse, turning it over in my mind and heart for a while, I really didn’t know what I could do to combat the nearly constant onslaught of depressed thinking patterns. (Just to remind everyone my formula for downward spiral is: depressed thought patterns + avoidance + self-medicating {with alcohol} = Jen In Her Pit.)

To prepare means to “gird up.”
Back in Peter’s day, when things were going to get active and/or difficult, it was customary for folks to bring up the long, flowing bottoms of their garments and tie them off so that they wouldn’t get in the way. As I learned this, it made sense that our minds need to be girded up, too. Our thoughts can very easily flow about randomly (if left to our own devices) causing us to trip up as we are mentally working through whatever is challenging us. We need to stop letting things just happen in our minds and instead be active participants in what we think.

Think about it this way: every thought you have is like raking a sharp tool gently across some soft clay. Even if you are think positive, gentle thoughts… they will still form some sort of groove into your spirit. If negative, depressed, and anxious thoughts groove into your clay without being challenged, they will continue to rake across your mental landscape until they have formed deep ruts.

To prepare my mind for action I needed a plan to combat the depressed thoughts, and I needed to practice acting out my plan at the first hint of trouble. Here’s some of the things I planned/did that helped reign in my thoughts:

1. I became sober.
Alcohol clouded my thoughts and hindered my ability to relate to God, my family and my friends. I already had some brain chemistry issues and years of training in being depressed working against me, but to add alcohol to that mix was just…well…stupid. Being sober isn’t just about being chemically free, though. In a previous life, my countenance was marked by extreme passion–if I was happy, I was over the top thrilled with life. But more often than not, if one tiny little thing was wrong, then it was the end of the world. Being sober, according to Peter, means to stay calm and collected…dispassionate. Being alcohol free has helped me tremendously to limit my extreme reactions to the negative stuff. And also, it has freed me to be tremendously happy without going over the top crazy over the positive stuff.

2. I focused on where my hope lies: squarely in the grace and power of God.
By focused, I mean intensely determined to combat each depressed thought with the truth according to the Word of God. The scriptures are chock-full of promises that speak DIRECTLY to our fainting spirits with power, grace, love and tenderness. In order to be able to accomplish this I relied heavily on two tools (other than my Bible, obviously): The Secret Power of Speaking God’s Word, by Joyce Meyer and Praying God’s Word, by Beth Moore. Both of these books were instrumental in my ability to recall scripture that spoke to my present need (whatever that happened to be). I actually had one or both of them on my person constantly for a while.

3. I had to increase my “garbage” filter.
I also paid careful attention to what I put into my head at that time (this is smart even if you don’t battle depression). I couldn’t listen to some of the music I used to enjoy because it fueled my downward spiral. I had to be careful about what I watched on television, what I read, who I talked to. I seriously had to consider every input and influence to evaluate whether or not it was helping me keep my focus or hindering my recovery. I questioned every friendship. I scrutinized my experiences with every extended family member. I rethought my work environment, how I kept my home, who I would call in the event I was feeling particularly rotten. If it didn’t pass the “Philippians 4:8” litmus test, then I avoided it if I could.

4. I began to get REALLY honest with God.
Philippians 4:6-7 says that by presenting our requests to God we set our hearts and minds up to be guarded by His peace. This peace that transcends is something that comes through prayer. But you know, I’ve spent many hours working through many eloquent prayers and after my Amens were said still felt completely void of anything resembling peace. You know why? For all of that eloquence, there was no realness. I may have been eloquently explaining what I thought God wanted to hear, I guess. But it wasn’t until I experienced a flood of peace after a particularly brutally honest session with my Lord that I finally got it. He already knew exactly how I felt, even when I couldn’t articulate it any other way than through red-hot angry tears. BUT it wasn’t until I presented myself to Him in a completely transparent way that I was able to experience this peace. I truly believe that my transparency before Him strengthens my mind to embrace His truth and combat what is contradicting that Truth.

5. I tried to take better care of myself.
Your mind resides in your brain (DUH, Jen). Your brain is part of your body and therefore you need to take care of it. Taking care of my physical needs for adequate and nutritious food, exercise and rest helps me stay in the game better than when I rob myself of any of the three. I will admit, this is an area I haven’t completely mastered. I’m still working on finding the right balance in all of these areas. It’s been difficult lately because of the surgery and recovery. I am not allowed to exercise right now. I am tired but for a variety of reasons haven’t been able to sleep like I should. My whole routine is just out of whack…there really isn’t anything resembling an eating or sleeping pattern in my life right now. It’s just weird. But I certainly can tell when my body is in need of something by my attitude and where my thoughts are gravitating.

6. I owned up to the responsibility of “thinking.”
(in other words: God gave me this mind, I decided to start using it)
Ultimately, it’s my responsibility for what I think. Like they say, we can’t control what happens to us all of the time, but we certainly can choose how we respond to life as it comes. Our responses start in our minds, in how we are thinking. While people and circumstances will definitely influence my thoughts, I am the one in charge of thinking them. It’s my responsibility to clean up my attitude if I see it muddied up with depressed thoughts. It’s my responsibility to bring Truth to mind when I recognize a lie buzzing about in there. It’s my responsibility to reason through choices to determine the right one. I must take this responsibility seriously if I am to engage in this battle for the mind with any skill.

So there you are, my six steps to staying sane…er…keeping my thought life in order. I haven’t said this enough–it is purely by the grace and power of God in my life that I have any success at this. That said, I remember how hard it was to learn all of these lessons. How hard it is to go back for refresher courses now and again. One paragraph each seems like I’m making them sound easy, over-simplified. It’s not easy to retrain your brain, but it IS possible. AND, as most people who “knew me when” will attest…if I can do it, anyone can.

Does this help anyone? I hope so. Drop me a line and let me know what you think. Let me know HOW you are thinking. Any of this striking a chord with you? I would love to hear how other people have worked through their own “girdin’ up” processes. We have much to learn from each other, I bet.