1. Headlight that was failing to light

2. Broken windshield wiper fluid pump

3. Annoying piece of molding that keeps coming loose

Now, I’m going to ask that you not laugh out loud, but this REALLY happened tonight.

Really.

Icing on the cake? When we went to the auto parts store, Firstborn watched the youngers so we could go expeditiously and in peace.

Those more mechanically inclined might think us silly for celebrating this limited success. WHATEVER. I’m hooked. I loved every minute of it. Next up? Replacing my glitchy headlight switch and maybe figuring out how to clear the code we triggered poking about the fuse box.

Of COURSE there are more important things to worry about in my life right now. In no particular order save a concentric outward circle of proximity to me at this moment: Firstborn is bailing on the old homestead in favor of something called “off campus housing.” Pshh. Fourthborn is throwing a FIT a DAY because big school hasn’t started yet and she must remain in preschool until Aug 25th. My beautiful mother is caring non-stop for Stepdad as he is beginning to be diagnosed and treated for various life threatening ailments (kidneys no longer failing, but cancer might’ve spread? Maybe kinda sorta–we’ll see when the tests come back!). But there is only so much I can do about these things. I can’t keep Firstborn home forever, I can’t start school when it suits Fourthborn. And if my stepfather’s body came with the kind of instructions that I have found over the internet for various maintenance efforts for the van…and more importantly HE WOULD’VE ALLOWED said maintenance to take place…maybe something could’ve been done ahead of the game. (Water, bridge, see it flowing under?)

So, in the light of such things, it makes me greatly pleased to FIX SOMETHING I actually CAN FIX. Even if it’s simple as changing a light bulb.

Giddy with Today’s results, tomorrow I might attempt to fix something else I’ve been avoiding like the plague. DINNER.

All that to say this: my house is chaos right now, and it’s now in the middle of that chaos that I decide to sit and make myself write. I’ve lost heart for this writing thing lately as I’ve ridden the ups and downs of a few undisclosed situations.  And if I am ever to get that heart back, I might as well do something about it now.

I have the time! I do! Look, the laundry is nearly all complete. The groceries are purchased and the menus are planned out. Afternoon snacks have been eaten and the little messes are cleared again. There’s a full hour and a half before Dinner needs to be prepared. My current book (Boundaries, by Townsend and Cloud for those who would like to know) sits at my side. I can’t read this book fast enough but at the same time, if I go too fast I won’t absorb any of it. So this idea of no time, where does it come from?

I don’t know.

Like other ideas I live my life by, I’m not sure where that one came from. This concept of time and not enough of it has festered in me for a while now. I don’t have time to write. I don’t have time to read. I don’t have time to paint. I don’t have time to play. I don’t have time to cook (no matter the menu or the stocked fridge). I don’t have time for a lot of things I know I’d love to do. Or so I think. But I do have time to pick fights with hubby, to surf the internet for unreasonable hours, for naps so long I am ashamed to admit I’ve taken them. I have time to nurse grudges and resentments. I have made time to twist all the great and wonderful things in my life into burdens instead of blessings.

Can I make the time to change that?

I can’t NOT make the time, and here’s why: Fourthborn’s Tink was just taking care of her daily responsibility to feed the dogs. Jake got his bowl while Mynda was outside. When I reminded her that she needs to get another bowl for Mynda, her response was, “I just don’t have the time.”

It’s contagious.

So, again, prayers never wasted on me and mine. I can’t go into details out of respect for those involved, but God knows what’s going on (better than I do, even) and he knows where to move in these circumstances as we ask him to do just that.

And for my weary and weak little soul, I started compiling a Happy List. I share in the hopes that you will contribute your own Happies, or start your own list (OR BOTH). This is an ongoing project… obviously not exhaustive.

1. The sweet smell of a baby’s head.

2. Puppy breath.

3. Learning a new healthy habit that is an easy transition from an unhealthy one.

4. My shiny sink.

5. That moment right after I wake up, hit the snooze, and roll over to cuddle with my man.

6. Fresh fruit for breakfast (or anytime)!

7. Singing along with my crazy Jesus music entirely too loudly in the car.

8. When a child of mine says to me, “Do you need a hug?” and the fact that they put their hearts into it.

9. Fistfuls of flowers (aka weeds) brought to me by a little one.

10. Drying out in the sun.

11. Expecting a harvest.

12. The prayers of a child, especially when laced with wisdom beyond their years.

13. BEDTIME!

14. Working with people I genuinely like and would be friends with even if we didn’t work together. Thankful that work brought us together.

15. Sharing the load, teamwork, all for one and one for all, many hands make light work, gettin it’ done…etc.

16. Attempting to meditate.

17. My own lack of gracefulness.

18. Doggies who dream they are chasing something.

19. Making people laugh at my own expense (or even better no one’s expense).

20. Exercise (I know! I was just as surprised as you are when I realized that!)

21. Playing with Fourthborn’s curls.

22. Finding a new recipe that is a hit with the entire crew.

23. Fourthborn calling it “ToFood.”

24. The tones on my washer and dryer (Mary and Martha) that tell me they are done.

25. Morning Hugs

Time’s up! What’s on your list??

Eirene,

Jen

Which is code for “I have a lot of forgiving of myself and others to do, and until I get on with it I’ll worry myself to death harboring that mess in my head.”

Hitting Monday morning at work in this state is always a gamble. But I’m going and pressing on anyways. God knows that sometimes the noise in my head gets so ridiculous that it becomes a catalyst for some silence in the heart. Silence in which he will work whether I am aware of it or not.

Much, much needed silence.

Eirene,

Jen

PS: This site to help the Williams family launched yesterday. Consider their need and pray over your involvement. Keep checking back as the list will be updated as the family recovers and the needs shift. Thanks so much.

I want my life to be a life well lived, well loved.

We said goodbye yesterday to a woman who had all of that. And in the process, we all came away with a better perspective about what’s going on in our lives right now. Maybe, just maybe, we can hang onto that for a little while longer…not as sorrow but as inspiration.

Rest in Peace, Granny A.

I spent my time in Isaiah, which is rich and deep and sometimes confusing. Then I hopped over to the New Testament (Luke 6 to be exact) and read about Jesus healing the man with the shriveled hand on the Sabbath. Then spent my prayer time pleading for comfort for family, strength for today…enough grace to put into practice the words of Christ.

But this prayer time was a struggle. Easily distracted by dog and cats, the sounds each of my family make as their bodies resist waking up, and the gurgling hunger pangs in my own stomach…I ended somewhat frustrated by the whole “natural man” aspect of it.

Elizabeth Gilbert mentions this about a breakthrough in her prayer and meditation time: “Thoughts come, but I don’t pay much attention to them, other than to say to them in an almost motherly manner, ‘Oh, I know you jokers…go outside and play now…Mommy’s listening to God.’”

I wish I’d read that BEFORE I prayed this morning. It might have helped me deal with each of my distractions with a little more authority.

But the funny thing about days like today is that though I felt less like I was sitting in the presence of God and  more like I was talking to the walls, I know he’s going to show up. It most likely will be a random time. For example, during the last errand of the day, walking the aisles of the grocery store wondering what, exactly, was on the list I left on the counter at home…and seeing a phrase like “quilted for your comfort”  on a toilet paper package that reminds me that HEY, I prayed for comfort today and WOW he delivered on my requests even though I wasn’t sure he’d even heard it(the benefit of hindsight being what it is). And it’s in that moment, in the paper goods lane of all places, that I feel the rush of him, the love of him and that glorious peace that I long to experience.

He’s funny that way. There all along, then letting me sense him strongly when I least expect it. And not only for the good of those I pray for, but for my own benefit and faith building.

So if you see me wandering Wal-mart alone, but suddenly cracking up…well, don’t judge, OK?

Eirene,

Jen

In the original language the words that form the phrase “very present help” can also be translated something like this “assistance that is exceedingly, abundantly (forcefully) found, encountered, or fallen in with.”

Are you in trouble? I am. I’m a mess with my schedule and unattended responsibilities piling up. I’m feeling a little off my mark, and a lot off my rocker. Maybe your mess is different from mine but the end result is that we are in need of help.

Not just help, but a very present help. Someone who can abundantly  be found. Someone who can forcefully (as in with great degree of ability) come in and takes charge of a situation.

I’ll never understand why when I need him the most, I tend to seek him the least. Do you do that too? We are not going to happen upon the help we need, until we turn our hearts and faces to the only one who can provide it.

We need to fall in with the only provider of complete refuge and strength. Maybe that means letting go of “it.” Maybe that means depending on his strength to get through it. Maybe that means asking forgiveness for it.

He is my refuge and strength, the only assistance that is exceedingly, abundantly found whenever I simply seek him. I hope you encounter that today, too.

Eirene,

Jen

I can rock mindfulness when I am alone! Who knew? I surely didn’t because it is so rare when I am truly alone. Yesterday morning in the car, after I had dropped off Fourthborn and until I made it to the front door of my office building I was a sensory sponge. I noticed things I never noticed before (and this is a route I take five days a week, and have taken for YEARS). Things like the touch of cool dampness on my arms as I was walking through a patch of fog. Or how about the way the sun bounces off of the tops of the mile high grass covering the cow fields? There was the a slight whistle where the passenger side window wasn’t fully closed. Or the rhythm of the creek and that crazy bird call I metered my steps alongside.

One of my areas that I wanted to be intentional was my work tasks. I wanted to give more thought to their priority, the amount of time I would need to complete them, and what input (if any) I would need from others. And in that sense, I was so ON that I had completed my URGENT To-Do list by lunchtime. It was time to move into planning mode! I love planning MODE! So in the area of accomplishing work, this mindfulness paid off in spades.

It was a totally different story once I was among other people.

Here’s the thing I noticed about trying to be mindful and intentional around others: THEY DON’T COOPERATE! Obviously. Like, duh, Jennifer. I think it would’ve been awesome if we were ALL on this experiment and all of us were viewing each other (difficult customer, I’m looking directly at you) through the same filters. So while I was approaching situations in this certain mindset, and I started off being able to communicate with others in that space…it was only a small amount of time (and one difficult phone call) that spun me out of mindful and into reactive.

So, I have lots to learn about that area. I think I will break down the different aspects of relating to others and work toward mindfulness and intentionality in one of those areas at a time.

Today I am a listener. What are you really saying to me? Tomorrow maybe I will stop and say a breath prayer before responding to anyone and everyone. I don’t know, maybe I will switch those two…

So, what did you take away from your day of intentionality?

If I am wrong about that level, please do not tell me. I will be shattered.

But the crazy spins a bit too fast sometimes and it’s a battle to slow down to a reasonable speed.

So, today I am going to be intentional about slowing down and breathing and enjoying this very moment I am in. I’m going to be deliberate in my approach to my relationships, my work, and my walk. I’m going to put a little more contemplation into what I “consume” through all of my senses. I just want to see if I can do it for a day, or even for an hour!

Can you take a day to perform this type of experiment? Let’s compare notes tomorrow…