This is a painting that I did last week. It’s the fourth one since I started painting again, and I’m delighted with how closely I was able to get it to look like what was in my mind. (Click the image to see a larger version)

Lately, the visual creativity muse has been whispering to me. Ok, more like yelling in my ear. I am being bombarded with imagery! A veritable feast of color and form! Certain shape and color combinations return over and over again until I just have to get them out of my system. This was one of those repeaters…it’s watercolor and ink on paper (9″x12″).

I want to describe in detail what it means to me that I am able to create this way again. This was a part of me that my depression totally robbed. To become overwhelmed in it again is like being given a second life. It’s like FEELING the breath of life all over again. But the words I would use just fall flat onto the screen. So this is what it is: God breathing new creativity into me.

Wow, look at that! A whole month just whirled right on by with nary a blip on my radar. As I look back on June’s posts, here are some of my personal favorites:

• On Traffic, Dancing and Faith
• Caterpillar Thoughts in a Butterfly Brain
• The Luxury of Feeling Fit for Service
• Haiku for Jesus : Graduation Day
• Girdin’ Up

In July I hope to announce some pretty exciting events, but as of today they are super top-secret hush-hush. (Ooooo look at me sounding all mysterious and stuff!) I also plan on doing a book review or two. I’m committed to working through Romans with the Blogger Small Group (and we are heading into great territory there). And of course, whatever else as God lays it on my heart, you just know I’m going to share it here.

And as always, I submit to you, gentle reader, that if there is EVER a topic you would like me to tackle here on this humble blog all it takes is a comment form and/or a quick email to jen (at) 12 steps closer (dot) com.

*This post is part of the Blogger Small Group reading the book of Romans. To read other participant posts, head over to Run’n Like a Vagabond. If you want to read my previous posts for the group, click here.

Romans 3:21-31

Righteousness Through Faith

But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

Where, then, is boasting? It is excluded. On what principle? On that of observing the law? No, but on that of faith. For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law. Is God the God of Jews only? Is he not the God of Gentiles too? Yes, of Gentiles too, since there is only one God, who will justify the circumcised by faith and the uncircumcised through that same faith. Do we, then, nullify the law by this faith? Not at all! Rather, we uphold the law.”

Everything we’ve read in Romans so far has focused on how none of us live up to what God originally designed for us. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Paul writes. God’s solution to that is that he “presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” In my Bible (an NIV) there is a footnote there on the text that says this verse could read: “as the one who would turn aside his wrath, taking away sin.”

What Jesus did that day on the cross was satisfy every ounce of God’s need for justice. Everything I’ve ever done wrong drove each of the nails. Every failure of mine to live up to the glory of God plunged that spear deeper into his side. You know, sometimes I have a hard time forgiving myself–my past, and even my present, is marked by such sin! It’s grievous. But when Those Arms were stretched out and that crown was placed, God’s requirement for punishment FOR ME was fulfilled.

Then He says He removed it from me as far as East is from West. All because I have chosen to believe in that sacrificial atonement. All because I have claimed it as my saving grace. So, I accept that Christ died for me. I accept that He forgave me when I confessed my past. I accept that when I fail now, I’m forgiven. And I rest in that forgiveness for myself…if God says that what He has done is enough to justify me, who am I to argue with that? Who do I think I am to judge myself by not forgiving myself?

Even more powerful: I’m not the only one Christ did this for! Who, pray tell, do I think I am when I hold back forgiveness from someone else? When I judge someone unworthy of my forgiveness, I call into question this entire foundation of my faith. If Christ’s atonement was enough for my sin, it’s enough for that person’s sin. It’s enough for my parents sin, my brother and sister’s sin, my pastor’s, my church leadership’s, my favorite Sunday school teacher’s, my best girlfriend’s, my boss’, that annoying coworker’s and you guessed it: that unbeliever’s sin as well.

As I have worked through my 12 steps, I have come to a greater revelation of just how forgiven I am. The natural-man reaction may be to test the boundaries of this grace (go wild, get forgiven, lather…rinse…repeat), but I have grown to understand that the reaction that God desires from me is not to abuse that grace but to walk in it. In other words, changes have come about in me that I never dreamed I would see. I am seeing the “glory of God” manifest itself in my life just a little clearer in that sins I used to struggle with are now a thing of the past. And I carry an awareness of what God needs to work out in my life, currently…with expectancy that in His time it will be done.

Great revelations
come at unexpected times
(then I forget them)

My notebook helps me
but can’t write-drive at same time
so sometimes they’re lost…

like Friday’s haiku-
in the heart then out again
now it’s gone for good.

I’m just going to rapid fire these bullets your way…

• Coffee is delicious! Does anyone NOT know this already?
• Hubby’s surgery was a success. He’s a little sore at the incision site on his neck, and a little stiff, but the rest of the pain he dealt with for years seems to be gone. Praise the Lord and thank you ALL for your prayers.
• FourthBorn’s issues with loud noises continue. They have expanded to motorcycles and bass drums. The nanny may have helped us find a coping mechanism, but we haven’t really experienced another thunder-boomer yet to test it. Also…she’s so much like me in that she talks a GREAT game when there is no sight of what frightens her. It’s really cute hearing her say “I not afraid of tundarsturms” when there is not a cloud in the sky, remembering good and well the trembling that went on last Sunday afternoon. I’ve given her a buzz cut so at least she can’t pull more hair out (the bald spot in the back is filling in nicely now, too).
• Wednesday night was our last session of Victory Over the Darkness. We were not able to complete the entire book, which makes me sad, but I feel really good about wrapping that up the way we did. After we talked a bit about working through our emotional pain from the past I shared this story from Beth Moore’s blog. Go ahead, read it, I’ll wait… so in terms of spiritual growth, remember “you are Daddy’s work.”
• Speaking of work, I go back to work next week. *Sigh* For the first several weeks into post-op, I couldn’t get comfortable here at home. I wasn’t used to spending so much time here. And since I was limited in what I could do, I found myself restless…wanting to clean closets or tackle some huge long-ignored project. The last thing in the world I wanted to do is sit still. Well the past couple of weeks has been better. I’ve been feeling stronger and more energetic so I HAVE been pretty active around here. The kids finished school, too, so I’ve been doing things with them. All in all, I’m having a blast and can see myself keeping busy for the rest of the summer. But it’s not to be. However, I will be happy to see some of my coworkers again. I work with a pretty cool bunch of people.

FourthBorn is up, which means quiet time is over! I’m working on some recovery and forgiveness posts for the next couple of days. Until then, have a great weekend!