Those of you who know me and mine in real life picture this: Jen and Hubby, working together, calmly and with no disagreements to fix the following on my van:

1. Headlight that was failing to light

2. Broken windshield wiper fluid pump

3. Annoying piece of molding that keeps coming loose

Now, I’m going to ask that you not laugh out loud, but this REALLY happened tonight.

Really.

Icing on the cake? When we went to the auto parts store, Firstborn watched the youngers so we could go expeditiously and in peace.

Those more mechanically inclined might think us silly for celebrating this limited success. WHATEVER. I’m hooked. I loved every minute of it. Next up? Replacing my glitchy headlight switch and maybe figuring out how to clear the code we triggered poking about the fuse box.

Of COURSE there are more important things to worry about in my life right now. In no particular order save a concentric outward circle of proximity to me at this moment: Firstborn is bailing on the old homestead in favor of something called “off campus housing.” Pshh. Fourthborn is throwing a FIT a DAY because big school hasn’t started yet and she must remain in preschool until Aug 25th. My beautiful mother is caring non-stop for Stepdad as he is beginning to be diagnosed and treated for various life threatening ailments (kidneys no longer failing, but cancer might’ve spread? Maybe kinda sorta–we’ll see when the tests come back!). But there is only so much I can do about these things. I can’t keep Firstborn home forever, I can’t start school when it suits Fourthborn. And if my stepfather’s body came with the kind of instructions that I have found over the internet for various maintenance efforts for the van…and more importantly HE WOULD’VE ALLOWED said maintenance to take place…maybe something could’ve been done ahead of the game. (Water, bridge, see it flowing under?)

So, in the light of such things, it makes me greatly pleased to FIX SOMETHING I actually CAN FIX. Even if it’s simple as changing a light bulb.

Giddy with Today’s results, tomorrow I might attempt to fix something else I’ve been avoiding like the plague. DINNER.

I’m sitting in the middle of my living room, listening to the unending song of “Tinkerbell,” aka Fourthborn. There’s a lot about magic in this song, as well as the unalienable right of fairies to ignore the pleadings of the humans to stop flying between them and the television screen. On screen: FIFA 2010 for the PS2. I think the human is losing judging by his rising level of frustration.

All that to say this: my house is chaos right now, and it’s now in the middle of that chaos that I decide to sit and make myself write. I’ve lost heart for this writing thing lately as I’ve ridden the ups and downs of a few undisclosed situations.  And if I am ever to get that heart back, I might as well do something about it now.

I have the time! I do! Look, the laundry is nearly all complete. The groceries are purchased and the menus are planned out. Afternoon snacks have been eaten and the little messes are cleared again. There’s a full hour and a half before Dinner needs to be prepared. My current book (Boundaries, by Townsend and Cloud for those who would like to know) sits at my side. I can’t read this book fast enough but at the same time, if I go too fast I won’t absorb any of it. So this idea of no time, where does it come from?

I don’t know.

Like other ideas I live my life by, I’m not sure where that one came from. This concept of time and not enough of it has festered in me for a while now. I don’t have time to write. I don’t have time to read. I don’t have time to paint. I don’t have time to play. I don’t have time to cook (no matter the menu or the stocked fridge). I don’t have time for a lot of things I know I’d love to do. Or so I think. But I do have time to pick fights with hubby, to surf the internet for unreasonable hours, for naps so long I am ashamed to admit I’ve taken them. I have time to nurse grudges and resentments. I have made time to twist all the great and wonderful things in my life into burdens instead of blessings.

Can I make the time to change that?

I can’t NOT make the time, and here’s why: Fourthborn’s Tink was just taking care of her daily responsibility to feed the dogs. Jake got his bowl while Mynda was outside. When I reminded her that she needs to get another bowl for Mynda, her response was, “I just don’t have the time.”

It’s contagious.

Sometimes the drama is so high around here it zaps all my energy and taps out my creativity. Things get quiet around the blog at those times.

So, again, prayers never wasted on me and mine. I can’t go into details out of respect for those involved, but God knows what’s going on (better than I do, even) and he knows where to move in these circumstances as we ask him to do just that.

And for my weary and weak little soul, I started compiling a Happy List. I share in the hopes that you will contribute your own Happies, or start your own list (OR BOTH). This is an ongoing project… obviously not exhaustive.

1. The sweet smell of a baby’s head.

2. Puppy breath.

3. Learning a new healthy habit that is an easy transition from an unhealthy one.

4. My shiny sink.

5. That moment right after I wake up, hit the snooze, and roll over to cuddle with my man.

6. Fresh fruit for breakfast (or anytime)!

7. Singing along with my crazy Jesus music entirely too loudly in the car.

8. When a child of mine says to me, “Do you need a hug?” and the fact that they put their hearts into it.

9. Fistfuls of flowers (aka weeds) brought to me by a little one.

10. Drying out in the sun.

11. Expecting a harvest.

12. The prayers of a child, especially when laced with wisdom beyond their years.

13. BEDTIME!

14. Working with people I genuinely like and would be friends with even if we didn’t work together. Thankful that work brought us together.

15. Sharing the load, teamwork, all for one and one for all, many hands make light work, gettin it’ done…etc.

16. Attempting to meditate.

17. My own lack of gracefulness.

18. Doggies who dream they are chasing something.

19. Making people laugh at my own expense (or even better no one’s expense).

20. Exercise (I know! I was just as surprised as you are when I realized that!)

21. Playing with Fourthborn’s curls.

22. Finding a new recipe that is a hit with the entire crew.

23. Fourthborn calling it “ToFood.”

24. The tones on my washer and dryer (Mary and Martha) that tell me they are done.

25. Morning Hugs

Time’s up! What’s on your list??

Eirene,

Jen

I spent my hour this morning attempting to get with God and send the jokers out to play, as usual. And while I know that the attempt was honored, the thoughts of what could’ve been this weekend haunted as usual. Is there a greater peace-robber than regret and dwelling on the mistakes of yesterday?

Which is code for “I have a lot of forgiving of myself and others to do, and until I get on with it I’ll worry myself to death harboring that mess in my head.”

Hitting Monday morning at work in this state is always a gamble. But I’m going and pressing on anyways. God knows that sometimes the noise in my head gets so ridiculous that it becomes a catalyst for some silence in the heart. Silence in which he will work whether I am aware of it or not.

Much, much needed silence.

Eirene,

Jen

PS: This site to help the Williams family launched yesterday. Consider their need and pray over your involvement. Keep checking back as the list will be updated as the family recovers and the needs shift. Thanks so much.

At the end of the day, all I really want my life to amount to is a whole lot of love. I want the people who gather to say goodbye to  me to tell stories that bring a smile to their faces and warmth to their hearts. I want them all to nod knowingly as they tell the tales of who I was and what they remember most about me. I want the words “feisty” and “unafraid” to come up multiple times.

I want my life to be a life well lived, well loved.

We said goodbye yesterday to a woman who had all of that. And in the process, we all came away with a better perspective about what’s going on in our lives right now. Maybe, just maybe, we can hang onto that for a little while longer…not as sorrow but as inspiration.

Rest in Peace, Granny A.